The changes and relationships I had hoped to see forged have not happened yet. I am not a patient girl. I am pretty intolerant of other people's weaknesses, to be perfectly frank. I don't understand why people just don't be nice when they are given an opportunity to be. I also probably have a really big plank in my eye.
Last night, my husband's rest was disturbed when my son came home work. There was lots of staring at the clock and looking at me...a whole lot of unspoken communication going on. I did my best to keep my face passive, say good night to my son, and not shove said husband onto the floor. (This was made easier by a certain six year old acting as a paper weight on the covers between us.) I am really trying hard to let the relationship grow on its own and not force it. Really really hard.
As I was falling asleep, I was praying "God, seriously, what am I supposed to do here? I don't like the ugliness. Maybe I am in the wrong, I don't know. Father God, I just really want to do the right thing here. Please, please help me know what to say and what not to say." You get the idea. This prayer was on-going until I eventually fell asleep.
"Sow for yourself righteousness." This was my first semi-conscious thought this morning. To anyone else, the significance would escape. Not to me. This was the first line of our family verse. The one I picked, or more accurately, picked me, back at the end of last year. The verse that I picked so Rob would get a spiritual move-on. As usual, something I think is for someone else is usually meant for me. I'm just a little slow-witted it seems.
"Sow for yourself righteousness." Stop trying to sow someone else's righteousness.
"Reap the fruit of unfailing love." There is only one source of unfailing love. I need to tap into that fruit, and stop looking for those around me to supply it. Not gonna happen.
"Break up your unplowed ground." I was pretty sure this was meant for Rob, but now I don't think so. I am praying that God reveal to me what my unplowed ground is. We have made a lot of changes, but I know there are more to be made in the attitude adjustment department. Mine, to be exact. I need to break up some hard-heartedness that I carry so God can plant His righteousness there.
"Now is the time to seek the Lord, until He comes and showers righteousness upon you." Scripture promises that we will find Him when we seek Him with all of our heart. He has mine.
In the meantime, I will try to spend less time sowing someone else's seeds of righteousness, and concentrating on me doing the right thing first. Regardless. I will stop looking for perfect love here, and rejoice in the love I do have, while always leaning on the unfailing love of my Savior. About the unplowed ground...oh, where to start. Where to start...When I don't know where to start, confession is usually a good place. That's an eye-opener.
Afterthoughts: I was just reading back through previous months and came across this blog that I wrote in May. Apparently I am thick-headed in addition to being slow-witted. So painful. Read it here if you want to.