These last few days have been filled with some turmoil for me. I was ugly to my husband, not unprovoked, but that is not what is bothering me. I can't seem to get my own voice out of my head. I have got a really short fuse lately, and that is not how I normally am. I could look for all sorts of reasons, blame it on hormones or something equally acceptable, but that's just a cop-out. I need to pull out the wide angle lens and look at the bigger picture.
God is growing me. I could look at the people who tick me off and say that God needs to grow them, but I don't think that is the response He is looking for. Every time something happens that makes my blood boil, I have two choices. I can respond in a way that does not seek to build anything but a bigger fire, or I can step down. Stepping down does not mean the other person is right, necessarily; it just means that I am going to give God a chance to tell me what this is really about. Every attitude that someone brings to a relationship is years in the making. Long before you or I arrived on the scene the groundwork had already been laid. Instead of getting mad, I could choose to wonder where this (annoying) belief stems from. (Sorry, I am extremely human.)
Another way to look at this, as a friend suggested, is that this is my opportunity to suffer. Just stay with me for a minute...I totally recognize that there are people dealing with a whole lot of stuff that makes my life look like a cake walk. Angel food cake with strawberries, even...Anyway, God allows injustice and suffering in our lives for a reason. Instead of throwing an unholy tantrum, I could honor Him by seeking Him first, instead of my own way. (1 Peter 4:19).
In the process of God growing me this week, He has been leading me through James, especially chapter 3. The whole huge blazes being started by a small fire section. Also, Psalm 4...in your anger do not sin, but take time to ponder the situation. The Holy Spirit has been doing some serious convicting, to the point that I can't raise my eyes to the Throne of Grace yet. I don't want to stay here for long, but I also don't want to forget this horrible feeling that I am carrying.
There is some healing that needs to take place in this house. I read through Psalm 51 today, realizing that it is really against God and His creation that I am sinning, and that He would restore the joy I had, but how do you stop smelling like smoke when you have been caught in a blaze? I'm just not sure where to go from here.