Monday, April 12, 2010

Grow Up, Already!

Can you keep a secret? There is a very small chance that I may be....insecure. I have been reading Beth Moore's new book So Long Insecurity...You've Been a Bad Friend and feeling real sorry for those insecure girls. Sure, I've made some (bad, horrific, stupid, hurtful) decisions to feel better about myself, but I've changed since then. I've even taken what didn't ever belong to me to see if I could, just to prove something to myself. All part of the B.C. life.

Or so I thought.

Last week I got a friend confirmation from the site for my 25th high school reunion. Yeah, I said 25th. I can't believe it either. Anyway, stalking, I mean looking through, the site let me see the profiles of a lot of people I went to high school with. Including him. The one with the twinkly blue eyes and dimples that never really wanted to be more than friends with me. Apparently still single, because when I blew up the profile pic there was no ring on his finger. But he is in a relationship with her, the girl with the naturally curly hair and small feet. (Now you know what my hang-ups are...) It is amazing how 25 years melt away and immediately I am jealous, indignant, wondering why he would choose her over me. It flashes like a neon sign, searing my heart with feelings of not being good enough, again.

Not as immediately as I would like, reality seeps back in. I am not in high school anymore. I am a married grown woman. I notice that she has a married name after her maiden name; things must have not gone well in her marriage if she is single again. I muster up compassion, being happy that they have found each other, in another city even, and have a chance at the love that maybe has always been planned. Silently I wish them well.

The flood of insecurity begins to recede, and I remember that I don't need anyone else's opinion or desire to tell me who I am. I belong to Christ. I am chosen by Him. And, He even gave me my own guy with twinkly blue eyes and dimples who totally wants to be more than friends with me.


  1. God always knows WHO we need in our life, even though at the time, we can't live without that person. God loves you and I'm glad you're reading that book:)

  2. Tears of joy for you are flowing down my face and tears of reality are stinging my cheeks. Thank you Deb.