There it is, out in the open now.
To be honest, I do have alot going on. This whole writing a book business is a big deal to me. Going to She Speaks is a big deal to me. Trying to launch a speaking ministry to reach women who don't feel like God would want them is a big deal to me. And the higher the stakes get, the more into "me" I get. That is not a good thing, because then I start looking at you to see how I measure up.
What if there are better speakers out there? (I know there are.)
What if there are better writers out there? (I know there are.)
What if someone else has the same burden for the lost that I do? (Ok, well, that's cool.)
I'm not saying that any of these thoughts are right, but that's where I'm at. Or was at, until yesterday. I started thinking about all of this stuff from God's perspective, and I got really excited. I imagined all these women coming together at this conference to be equipped and led to share His word. You can't turn on the news or leave your house without seeing just how badly this world needs the hope that God alone gives. This is a broken world seriously in need of some Jesus.
As I was praying for guidance, and frankly, a talking to from God, I pictured myself standing in a circle of light. I am the only one who can stand in that particular circle. Then I saw all these other women standing in their own circles. Circles of Light....the Holy Fire of a HOLY GOD. I could so clearly see the spiritual warfare at work...if the enemy can flood me with my own sense of pride, intimidate with thoughts of inadequacy, plant feelings of resentment towards those also called, he thwarts God's plan for me. But God...love those words...but God says that His word will not return to Him empty but accomplish what He purposes. And I am HIS. I confessed my sin of turning the ministry and calling He has given me into its own god, and felt immediately clean, free of the mind games that I've been playing. "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
I've read a couple of encouraging words lately that I would like to share with you. You may not be called in the same direction I am, but God has a plan for your life, too. Listen to Him and see what direction He is pointing you towards, and head there with these words in your head:
- You are wondering if you have what it takes to do this. And I want you to know that you do. Because God has created you to do this. He picked you exactly because you have the personality, gifting, the emotional makeup, etc. to reach who He wants you to reach. You won't reach the women that I reach - and that's exactly His plan. So trust Him. He knows what He's doing. Show up and be open to His leading ... learn everything you can. You are being equipped this weekend to do what God wants only you to do. (Glynnis Whitwer's words to She Speaks attendees, but applicable to all of us.)
- It was the original Palm Sunday weekend, and Jesus was riding into town on the donkey. As the donkey saw people waving palm fronds, shouting "Hosanna!" and laying coats down for him to walk across, he thought to himself, "It's about time they realized how special I am." He didn't know he was just the one carrying Jesus to the people.