"Whoever gives up their life for My sake will find it." Matthew 16:25
These are the words that nearly poked my eyes out last night as I was reading a book called Practical Theology for Women by Wendy Alsup. The chapter was about living by faith, heavily built around Hebrews 11:6, which says that whoever comes to God must believe that HE IS and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. Now, I totally believe that He exists, and that He has a master plan that is only to my good and His glory.
Why then am I still wrestling the school district in regards to "Little Isaac's" placement?
I am trying so hard to be faithful and follow God where He is leading, but I'm not thrilled. I wish we were standing on the playground with all his other little friends and the moms I already know. At the same time, I fully believe that God has a plan. I feel like I am standing with a foot on each side of the line. I want Justin at the same school as his brother, even though I am willing to engage where ever God wants me. To bloom where I am planted, as the saying goes.
I can see the sin of what I am doing. I'm operating out of fear and frustration, still sending emails to the school board to fix what I feel is their injustice. On the other hand, as I've been saying all along, God is in control. He has a plan. I've never understood the verse "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief." more fully.
In the life of the faithful, there is not room for "I believe, but...". Either you do or you don't. God is not a contingency plan. He is the master. I have the tattoo on my wrist to remind me of it, which incidentally, I got a few days before finding out about the school mix-up. Hm.
Today I am beginning anew. I turned in my paperwork to volunteer in "Little Isaac's" class, which I was holding out on, hoping to switch schools. Last night, after reading the verse about losing our life to find it, I realized that God is trying to lead me to life in Him, and I am the one dragging my feet. I must lose this life, that playground, in order to find my life. I begged forgiveness for having so little faith. I have to let go, and it is scary. As much as I want to see God at work in my life, and the lives of those I will meet, I am afraid. The what-if's fill my mind. What if Justin never makes friends? What if I fail at whatever He wants me to do here? I feel like I'm on a scavenger hunt without a list of what to find.
I'm done, though, standing on both sides of the line. I don't want to be like Lot's wife who missed out on her future because she kept looking backwards. This morning, before taking my son to school, I prayed,committing myself to His plan, whatever it is. And two kids called Justin by name to say Good Morning. Yes it is... a very good morning for a fresh start.
How about you? Is there a situation that you are playing both sides of the fence on? You can't hedge your bets and fully follow God at the same time. You must lose your life to find it.